so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
