Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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