I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
