He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
