I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.