I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
