he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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