the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
