standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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