Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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