im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
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We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
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I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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