I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Randomize
