the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
is it fun? or sober?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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