dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
