he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
