I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
50% drunk capacity currently
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
