Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
