I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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