Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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