I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
