It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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