I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
he thought i was a dude.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
