Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
