Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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