i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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