i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
