my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
