she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
