I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I fill condoms, not promises.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
