oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
