i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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