So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
