She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
