awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
