Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
