Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
