After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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