i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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