The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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