I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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