woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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