Joe is yelling at the trees again.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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