he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
