Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
