bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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