I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
