I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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