Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
