Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
