the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
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