The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
