And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
