mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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