It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
